True Love

it’s never been a question for me that I love him more than anything, but the fact that I lost him twice now, and he’s come back to me despite me being a retard both times.. it just makes me feel blessed and kinda guilty. I want to give him everything. I want to give him the world. I want to make him soooo happy. And both those times I didn’t do that. I was a real idiot.

But now we’re together, and I know the mistakes I’ve made… and now I know I need to think every action of mine through a little (or a lot) more than I did before. Everything should be smooth now. I love him with all my heart. He’s part of my soul, and I could never live without him. He makes me feel whole, and I know my friends find it corny, and heck he even finds it corny, but its so true.

So this year for Nov/Thanksgiving, he’s on top of my “I’m grateful for…” list.

The Real Psycho in this Story

Sooo, our 2 year anniversary is on the 14th… I won’t get to have him for it, but we talked about it and I should be getting him for valentines day!

I’m just still kinda “grrrrr” cause I know he’ll be visiting me for v-day AFTER his trip to BC and that’s where *she* is. I trust him, I just don’t trust her. If they hang out.. she’s going to be throwing herself all over him and oh dear lord if I find out that happened….

I just don’t like it. At all. I want to tell him no he can’t hang out with her when he visits there, but she’s like his only other friend that he has to talk to. But even still! I wont get to talk to him for 2 weeks and he’ll be with her the whole time? Grrrrrrr.

I know he’s in a bad position, but I feel like I’m in a bad one too. I can’t be selfish which really throws me off because I’m a selfish person… and I’m just not happy. He left me once for her, and I don’t know what tricks she has up her sleeve aside from cutting herself (which she’s already done and could very well do again). What if she blackmails him? They go to a nice secluded place, she whips out a knife, and says “do me, or I’ll kill myself” or “come back to me, or I’ll kill myself”? Honestly, wth am I supposed to do about that? I may NEVER get him back after that, he could leave me again to feed her psychotic demands.

I really should try to talk him out of going, or at least just seeing her. I’m sorry.. I was fine with it until I learned about the /cut /cut session she did last night, and I just can’t afford losing him again.

Cold. Confidence?

I feel cold both mentally and physically today. He talked to *her* today for the first time since we got back together… and I’m not sure how I feel about it. He’s giving her closure, but at the same time I know she was able to make him happy when I couldn’t, and that bugs me, makes me hate myself, and makes me jealous of her.

I really hate that I’m so insecure about everything. It’s not a problem of trusting the people around me, it’s just the lack of confidence in myself. But everyday this past week since Wednesday, the more he talks to me.. the more confident I feel. It’s just when you start at rock bottom, even gaining confidence each day is going to take a while to get anywhere “safe”.

If he and I keep talking the way we have, I’ll be ok with myself in time. But it’s days like this, that make me uneasy… I wonder if theirs something I can do myself to make myself more confident….

He’s my everything.

If I ever lost him again I don’t know what I would do. I’m so glad we got over this hurdle, but tonight I brought up one of my mistakes and it didn’t bring out good things. He said to put it in the past, but I wonder if that’s really ok with him. I can’t lose him again, but I don’t want to dwell on something that doesn’t bring out anything good at all.

I think all I can do is trust in my love for him, and trust in his love for me, and continue looking forward to a life with him. Just knowing at this current moment in time that he is mine, he is my love, my fiance, is enough to wipe away any sorrow or sadness, and make me smile with glee.

Pinch me, I must be Dreaming

I really can’t find the words I want right now, I’m just… so happy… that I have another chance.